Feelings

I am a feelings person. A "heart over head" person, if you will. I base decisions on a particular feeling at a particular time; I go with my gut. This is most definitely a blessing and a curse.

I am also an associater ( I'm pretty sure I coined this term). I like to associate various senses with particular feelings. If I smell the perfume that I wore during my freshman year in college, I can't help but to reinvite those feelings back into my life. The feelings of hope, of newness, of realizing I had a new life I could create however I wanted; but also feelings of nervousness, of loneliness, of uncertainty. I do this with all kinds of things. Songs, movies, people, scenes, scents, even clothes.

Spring brought a time of change. It brought busyness that I had never experienced before. And with that busyness brought neglect of feelings. This blog is often my outlet, and I clearly neglected it. I also neglected feelings. My life felt like I was running a marathon. I had to force myself to keep up the stamina to power through, and my thoughts were suddenly consumed by to-do lists, reminders of people to call, and post-its to remind me of even the most mundane things. To be honest, this part of it was awful. I love that I feel and that I can truly empathize and feel in so many situations. I felt like a family who returned from vacation to find their most prized and treasured possessions absent- robbed of something I cherished.

Lately, my feelings have returned. When driving to Waco a few weeks ago, I hit the southbound 35 drag seeing Baylor to the left and Fazolis to the right, and I was right back in college. Excitement overcame me. I felt as if I had no plans, but knew that fun would come, no matter what happened. Anticipation and excitement filled my face, as my mouth widened into a smile. A similar thing happened at work. I was in my square office listening to "Brick" by Ben Folds on Pandora. The first few lines moved me…6am day after Christmas/I throw some clothes on in the dark/ The smell of cold/ Car seat is freezing/ The world is sleeping/ I am numb. I think it must have been the day after Christmas part, but I felt just like I've felt the past 2 Christmases in Arlington. Filled with cheer because of the Christmas season and working at Hallmark. High on life because of the fun with friends. Doing absolutely nothing but having more fun than I could imagine. The inability to explain or talk about these blissful feelings, but loving them nonetheless. Being snuggled in my northface in the back seat of my friend's Camry, feeling the coolness of the broken in tan leather seats on my hands.

Feeling is one of the most important things, I think. It shows me that I am really living. Really experiencing. Really remembering.