Test

The fizzy feeling of a redbull tingled as it trickled slowly down my throat, through my esophagus, and into my stomach, where I lost feeling and track of it. My palms perspired. My eyes felt plastered open due to the mass amounts of caffeine consumed. My mind felt drowsy, as it had been drilled and drilled; as if I attempted to jackhammer information into it. My stomach knotted, redbull and all, as the professor walked up the aisle, smiled at me, and handed me the thick packet. Here we go. Tests are out.

Until recently, in my life as a full time student, these are the only tests I'd ever experienced. I've heard about others being tested (namely Matt Chandler in his battle with cancer), and bible characters dealing with spiritual tests (i.e., Paul). I knew these were possibilities in my life. But I'd never felt tested before. Until the past 6 months.

Looking back, I can see that my faith was tested. This test lasted longer than the typical hour and a half I'm used to. And there were no essays, and for sure no word banks. This was real. This was life.

The target was something I have worried about for a long time. I think that's where tests start… worry. It's an easy target; something you're clearly already sensitive about. An easy target to make you lose faith. And that's where it started. It began slowly, making small choices. Ignoring the still, small voice. Thinking I would come around and obey later. Putting it off.

I'd prepared for this test. Not an all nighter, no. I prayed. I read the Bible. I knew the facts. But like a shy freshman with test anxiety, the information flew out of my mind. It was as if it was never there.

2 short weeks later, I would know how I did. A concrete number telling me whether or not I passed or failed. Telling me whether I was good enough.

Life tests don't get grades, but I find it easier to know whether or not you pass or fail. You feel it. You see it. You just know.

I failed. I took life into my own hands. I refused to relinquish control. The test was a test of my faith. I let it go. But there is good news. I'm broken but being rebuilt. His strength shines through my broken weakness. I find comfort there. I find grace.